I still remember one of my first trips to the campus where I would eventually attend for my undergraduate degree. During one of my initial trips, I met with a faculty member in the of Christian Studies department to discuss the curriculum and my ultimate goal of earning a degree in ministry. During that meeting, I was asked to share how I knew I was called into the ministry full-time.
"I have a desire to do this work, learn more about theology, and I think I'd be good at it," said 17 year-old me.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the desired response. I was informed that I needed to know that I was called into this work and that only God could call me. Knowing I had blown the opportunity, I ended up crying most of the way home, fearful that I wasn't cut out for ministry. I didn't have sure sign that I was called to church work.
I prayed for some time for God to send some sort of sign. I mean, I was willing to accept any sign, but was a bit hopeful that He would descend from the clouds to provide a personal revelation (there'd be no mistaking that). I needed that sense of affirmation to know I was headed in the right direction. Furthermore, others were asking me for it.
You can probably guess that God never appeared to me to confirm my desires. I began to wonder how others sought and secured this confirmation. In what way was God going to declare to me how to move forward with planning my major? I didn't want to miss it. Where should I be looking for it?
I see this exact same contemplation among the freshman students I teach. They have bought into the idea that God has this ONE SPECIFIC thing in mind for them and if they don't figure it out, they're screwed. They've messed up God's plan and missed the thing that God intended for them.
The weight of this is stifling and crippling. I wrestled with it for years. I see it paralyze students now.
So much of this experience has shaped where and who I am now. Perhaps that's too much of an emphasis on one interaction, but it brought about a question I would continue to ask myself for years to come: How do I know I'm called to this work? What exactly is m y purpose? Despite reading The Purpose Driven Life (remember how big that book was in the early 2000s?), consistent prayer, and seeking confirmation from God, I didn't get clarity on my purpose or my callings. It wasn't until 2010 that my understanding changed...
Comments